someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
