I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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