Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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