Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
