Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
