Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
