I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
