mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
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