Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I currently don't understand fingers.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
