Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
