I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
