Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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