I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
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You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
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Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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