Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
