Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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