mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
