I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..