I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
