When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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