the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
