We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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