I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
