god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
