barbara walters just said penis...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize