chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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