How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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