Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
and she was petting her beer can
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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