I'm going to jail i love you
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
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