I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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