high people should be assigned attendants
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
