Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
