i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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