I cockslap morals
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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