I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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