I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
