seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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