i think my tv is drunk
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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