The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
