I just gift wrapped bread.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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