My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.