Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
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I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
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You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.