I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
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bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
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By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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