Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
