he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Randomize
