He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
