dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
