She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
