who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
