i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
