that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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