i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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