The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
