The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
