We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
