i may or may not be watching the land before time
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
