how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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