Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
