Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
