how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize