She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
